Where Are My Minions?

Okay, so, I got a Domain, right? In case anybody wasn't watching... www.jayemckenna.com is now MINE, ALL MINE!!! (Much evil cackling and rubbing of hands ensues...) And through some amazing feat of technical wizardry, it actually leads to The Swamp. Which is sort of amazing, because The Swamp is normally really hard to find, and not many people stumble across it.

Eventually my tame IT dude is going to go all technical on it and it will be Visually Stunning and there will be confetti and trapezes and dancing penguins. And maybe a few sexy dudes in loincloths, if the entertainment budget stretches that far. (But don't hold your breath...)

But in the meantime, it's just me in this miserable charming, overgrown bug-infested pristine Swamp.

By myself.

Now, I might be pretty new to this whole Being on the Internet Thing, but Dudes, if this is my Domain, where the hell are my Minions? Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't there supposed to be Minions? Do they just show up? Is there a form? With a check-box thing for making sure I don't get stupid Minions? Because, you know, it's really embarrassing when they try to invade the blog next door, or set fire to wrong windmill...

Hmm. I'd better put in a call to Tech Support. And check the mailbox. I suppose they might have been shipped surface mail. I hope the Minion Warehouse remembered to punch a few air holes in the box...

A Discovery Most Alarming

Over the xmas holidays, I made a Most Alarming Discovery. It finally dawned upon me that when I leave those little yellow sticky-notes around the house as Gentle Reminders to the Spawn to get off their lazy arses and pull their collective weight, they don't actually read said sticky-notes. Yeah, I know, I'm a little slow, or as Husband Beast would say, Distracted.

Case in point, the Saga of Getting the Spawn to Take Responsibility for the State of Their Bathroom. (Yes, I'm aware that this is a battle I will undoubtedly lose.)

The bathroom did eventually get cleaned, and not by me. Which would have counted as a Major Victory, except for the fact that the following weekend, the Saga began anew...

Power Balance

There's been a rather dramatic, unexpected, and unwelcome shift in the power balance around here over the past couple of weeks, and I'm still struggling to adjust. Due to a back injury (Not My Fault), I have been demoted from Commander-in-Chief of the Holiday Preparations to Frantic Spectator.

The Symbols of Power (including the Ermine Cloak lined with Real Live Ermines) have been grudgingly handed over to Husband Beast, who is not taking the Responsibility of the Holiday Preparations seriously at all. The tree is not up yet. The gifts are not wrapped (or even bought). There is no white chocolate cheesecake nestled carefully in the freezer. Nor are there any gingerbread gargoyles (long story) in the cookie tin. And let's not even talk about the amount of dog hair on the floor. There's enough of it floating around to cobble together a whole 'nother dog or two. Not that we're in need of any more dogs, but if we were, we'd be set.

The only bright spot in this rather gloomy December is that Husband Beast very helpfully bought me a Granny Grabber. This is a long, stick-like device with a pincher on the end. It's good for picking up stuff I dropped and sorting laundry, as I'm not supposed to be bending over and stuff. It allows me to do a few things so that I feel Useful and Helpful, even though I am not In Charge.

It's also good for pinching people's butts as they walk by.

Best. Gift. Ever.

Not Quite What I Had in Mind...

I try not to make New Year's resolutions, because I always end up feeling like a total failure when I don't live up to them. I can still remember when I was a kid, every New Year's Eve, my dad would break all his cigarettes in half and announce that he was going to quit... and after two weeks of hell, he'd be back to smoking like a chimney.

I prefer to make goals for the year. So one of this year's goals was to whittle down my virtual pile of To-Be-Read books on my Kindle. I joined Goodreads last year, and noticed that the M/M Romance Group had a challenge/game posted called Whips and Kisses, which is sort of like Snakes and Ladders (or Chutes and Ladders for those of you who didn't grow up immersed in Brit culture). You roll a die, you move your marker, and whatever space you land on is the title of a list. You go to the list and pick out a book and read it. I thought this would be a great idea, because it's a lot easier to pick from, say ten or twelve books, than it is to pick from several hundred.

Well, being the organizational demon that I am, I had to go through and look at all the lists and decide if I even had enough books to attempt it.

This turned out to be a huge mistake. I kept clicking on intriguing covers and titles, reading reviews, and before I knew it, I'd added a couple of dozen books to my To-Be-Read pile.

Hmm. Not off to a great start, here...

Some Random Things About the Swamp

1. I'm not really sure why I'm here, except it has something to do with big scary things like Marketing and Publicity and Putting Myself Out There.
2. I have sort of a short attention span for stuff like this.
3. No, really, it scares the crap out of me sounds about as much fun as a tax audit like it could be horizon broadening good to put on a resume...
4. And I can't tell you about the series of novels I'm working on because I will go on and on and on about it and then there won't be any reason for anyone to buy it.
5. But I can tell you it has a bunch of hot guys who have the hots for each other in it, and some swords and some magic and some space ships and some guns...
6. And my mother would Definitely Not Approve.
7. And there's a cat in it.
8. But I can't tell you about that.
9. But I can tell you about writing... and that might be fun, because I can go on and on and on about that until someone shoots me...
10. So maybe it'll be mostly about that.
11. And if I'm going to the grocery store, I'll let y'all know so you can follow me around and ask for autographs.
12. I'll wear my mink stole so you'll recognize me.  You know, the one with the fluffy tail and the beady glass eyes and the tiny sharp teeth and the little pink tongue hanging out?
13. Yeah, that one.
14. Is this thing turned on?  Can anybody hear me?
15. ...ooh, look... shiny things...